Leaders, give a little respect… to us all
Today I pulled someone up on their behaviour in a public post, gently but firmly. In response to a light comment I made on a topic they were discussing, they replied making huge assumptions about my knowledge and with a very aggressive tone. I simply asked them not to speak to me in such a condescending way. I didn’t get aggressive or retaliate, but just calmly placed a boundary around how I wish to be spoken to. This is still something new for me and something I’m getting used to being able to do, but so important if we want to avoid surrounding ourselves with the wrong people.
This person used to be a great mentor and someone I really looked up to, however over the last few years their behaviour has become erratic and in some cases, extremely rude. I’ve watched their interactions with others publicly on FB and I’ve heard from people who have had direct contact of the insulting replies. Today it was directed at me. It’s sad when someone you have respected falls from grace.
When was the last time you were shouted at? If you’re unfortunate, it may have been at work. It seems incredible to me that in 2025 we are still hearing and seeing ‘leaders’ who think this behaviour is acceptable, and sometimes even what is expected of a leader. It’s like they have watched some 80’s film where the suited bosses thumps the table and shouts at everyone. They haven’t realised this is so outdated now that it’s seen as a cliché – in films anyway.
Considering there are now multiple studies that prove, without a doubt, that putting employee wellbeing and purpose ahead of all else in your company, gives you a greater profit (9 X in fact) than when you focus solely on your product, it seems to be taking a long time for change to filter through.
I’m just going to start by saying anyone in a professional setting (we’ll come to personal later), shouting, screaming or showing displays of anger needs immediate attention and disciplinary support – even if they are the CEO. If you see this in yourself then you should apply this rule to yourself too and get support.
So why does it happen?
All these behaviours are shown when we ‘trip’ over the boundary between self-control and unconscious control. I used to be a shouter so I know this first hand. What I also know is that with these outbursts come regret, exhaustion and shame. Unless you really are completely emotionally unaware you will know that your behaviour is not okay and upsets and hurts those around you. I grew up with a mother who exploded regularly so it took years for me to realise that when I shouted it didn’t just bounce off others within minutes (like I had learned to do), that it wasn’t just accepted that I was cross and it had passed. It took a further few decades to realise that effect it had had on my kids…
You have two choices when you recognise that you have tripped the line. You can try to avoid feeling shame by persuading yourself it’s okay, it’s the other person’s fault, they are weak for being upset, and it’s your company – the shame will still be there but you’ll just push it down – or you can be a real leader and recognise that you have a problem. This problem likely sits in your unconscious mind so there is little you can do to change it alone, but what you can do is recognise it and get the help to remove that trigger.
The real sign of a leader is knowing not what they are good at, but what their gaps are. In fact it’s the sign of a good person. In leadership you have such a capacity for moulding others and the world around you, depending on your product, that it’s imperative that you take responsibility for your actions and words. The world needs you.
I know the awkward feeling of having to confess you do a thing that fills you with shame, but once you do, there’s a way out of that shame. These things are often rooted in childhood so you had no control over becoming like that, you do have control over dealing with it.
The greatest respect goes to those that show weakness and who take responsibility for it. Think of all the celebrities that do something wrong and then completely own it – think, George Michael and Hugh Grant, we actually respect them more.
I was talking to a client last week and sharing something very personal about my background. He thanked me as he said that by me sharing he felt less embarrassed and felt he could share more honestly. If it’s something you are struggling with, odds are I’ve done it myself, or definitely worked with someone who has, I’ll get it. What I will also do is respect you enormously for coming to sort it out and so will those around you who experience the difference.