At a recent event, someone suggested I was projecting my values onto others, specifically, my belief that everyone deserves real choice in their lives, especially those who haven’t always had it.

I was having a conversation with one of my clients this week. He was telling me that he had let someone go and that they were now working out their notice. This person had been the topic of a few of our sessions, as he was heavily woven into the company and a friend. (We will look at friend and family businesses in another blog!) Sadly, his behaviour had become quite extreme and my client had no other option but to let him go.

It took me a few years to realise that I constantly tried to fix everyone, both in and out of my work. There’s a difference between fixing and enabling others to fix. Weirdly it didn’t show up much in my work but it really showed up as a parent and a partner. I had a rubbish childhood so I grew up desperately trying to fix and make happy everyone around me until it became an established pattern.

Here’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough in leadership: You might be running your entire company, your team, your strategy, even your calendar, based on something you unconsciously learned as a kid. I know that might sound dramatic. But stay with me. 

Many years ago, I read that once a company gets to £100k, that the strategies you used to get there aren’t suitable to push you up further. There’s a ceiling of skills. It’s a tough pill to swallow. All the great stuff I did, won’t work anymore!  So, you know that part of you that got sh*t done? The version of you that could take anything life threw at them, the pressure, the deadlines, the chaos, and just get on with it? Well, it does have a ceiling, unfortunately

We grew up with the idea that legacy is something you build by creating a ‘thing’. Work hard, create a unique product that goes viral. All the sacrifices are worth it if you just make a name for yourself. I’ve been reflecting on this recently as I’ve been rewriting my will and with that, having to think about what happens to my business when I die. A sobering thought. I’ve been pushed a lot by ‘big business gurus’ to scale, create tonnes of products, to not be ‘the business’ and to remove myself from seeing clients as much as possible. There’s a problem with that. I got into the business because I loved seeing clients and I still love seeing clients. I don’t want to not see my clients.

Do you know why companies put people on gardening leave when they resign or are let go? Yes, partly because they may take or reveal sensitive information (but let’s be real, if they were going to do that likely they have already done it). Really it’s because these companies are aware of contagious emotion. One person who feels very negative about a workplace can very quickly become the source of a lot of discontent, so companies get them out quickly.  

Leadership comes from within, for anyone, whether you are a junior right at the bottom or the leader at the top, you need to understand where you fit so that you can thrive. While I understand the theory behind non-hierarchical structures, they don’t work – certainly I haven’t seen one that did (do let me know if you have one!) As one client said to me, we now have executives spending an hour photocopying when they are paid $300 an hour. 

Today I pulled someone up on their behaviour in a public post, gently but firmly. In response to a light comment I made on a topic they were discussing, they replied making huge assumptions about my knowledge and with a very aggressive tone. I simply asked them not to speak to me in such a condescending way. I didn’t get aggressive or retaliate, but just calmly placed a boundary around how I wish to be spoken to. This is still something new for me and something I’m getting used to being able to do, but so important if we want to avoid surrounding ourselves with the wrong people.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about leadership this week and what an intricate balance it is. Leadership is really not a real ‘thing’ and yet it’s a ‘thing’ that has always been around. Right back to our hunter gatherer days someone would have made the decision where we went and what we did. It’s strange that something untouchable and almost unquantifiable, is also something that changes with each person is so incredibly important to the functioning of human beings and our planet.

A client said to me recently how she’d heard the quote, ‘you write the book you need’ and how she had turned to her friend and said, ‘that’s Mari.’ In some respects she was right, and wrong about the book I’ve written – ‘It begins with you.’ I wrote the book I had needed way back when I began my journey. However, the new book I’m writing is a book I needed decades ago and yet, like the quote, it is the book I still need in some contexts and, as I’m now hearing, the one you may need.

I’ve been surprised recently by the number of leaders, both in the news and outside of it, who think that leadership is about control. I’m not going to get into politics here, but controlling isn’t leading—it’s dictating. The problem is that most people hate conflict and lack the skill set to manage it, so instead of dealing with the actual issue (or person), they jump to impose a rule or boundary that is unnecessary. This is reactive and is often based on an old childhood fear of conflict too.

Last week I took a week off and ran away to a beautiful cottage with a friend who was also writing her book. Lost in woods and nature and listening to the change in birdsong as it got dark, we both realised how lovely it was to just be able to focus on one thing for a whole week…. So calm and relaxing

This week I had the same conversation with two of my clients. They are both struggling with a team member who they feel is deliberately being awkward. Here’s the reality, most people are tired, stressed and have a lot of emotional baggage knocking around. Most people are stuck in their own heads trying to make their way through the maze of their own life. They aren’t often thinking about you. 

A little while ago I was having a big sort out of my cabin, and all the paperwork and course notes that we all tend to hold on to! It was interesting to see how basic and simple a lot of the coursework was. I remember doing my coach training and struggling to learn some starter sentences to get us all going. I struggled to learn all the key phrases and how to hold the structure of all the things a session should include in my head whilst also listening to my clients!

"Keep calm and carry on"—remember when that phrase first popped up?

It felt clever, like the perfect antidote to our fast-paced, stress-filled world. Soon enough, it was everywhere—on mugs, posters, even underwear. Then came mindfulness, sliding into its place as the next big thing. It wasn’t just about meditation anymore; it became a brand—packaged into apps, books, and retreats that promised peace in just a few clicks.

Recently, I went on a hot air balloon flight. I’ll be honest, it was a cold November day, slightly drizzly, and I had a million things I could have filled the day with. In all honesty, I didn’t want to go, but as it was a gift, I went. I dropped off a friend on the way, and as she left the car, she said, ‘If you’re feeling moody about it, then think, what if this was the last time I ever get to do this thing?’ I immediately reframed my thinking and switched to focusing on all the wonderful photos I could take

As many of you know, I am working towards world peace because I believe that a good leader can change the world (sadly the reverse is also true), and I want world peace! I believe that great leaders come from those who focus on getting themselves in the best mental health they can. This might sound like I’m creating selfish leaders, but my experience (and research backs me up) is that if a person is in a good place, then their focus will turn outward. People who are struggling on the inside will only be focused on themselves. This isn’t narcissism; this is biology.

When I was in the Maldives 20 years ago, I haggled so hard over the wooden Buddha you see in the picture, that the shop owner told my husband he wished I was his wife and took us for ice cream! He wanted me to come and work for him! 

20 years later, I have a little grandson who is just 2. Twice now, when he’s come to my house, he sees the figure of the Buddha with his head in his hands. He crouches down with his head almost touching the floor, trying to see the Buddha’s face, and says, "Are you okay?" as he strokes his back. It makes my heart ache even remembering it. 

I work from a cabin in my garden, so several times a day I walk down my garden and back. In summer, this isn’t really noticeable, but in winter, when the grass is longer and the ground is damper, a distinct ‘path’ forms. Even though I notice this and try to make myself walk a different route to save the grass, I just can’t seem to absentmindedly stop following this path. It’s crazy because I could literally walk anywhere else in the garden, but still, my mind just follows this indented pathway.