The Hidden Driver in Most Boardroom Battles? Unmet Childhood Needs

Here’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough in leadership: You might be running your entire company, your team, your strategy, even your calendar, based on something you unconsciously learned as a kid. I know that might sound dramatic. But stay with me. 

This week, I had a conversation with a founder who’s really sharp, emotionally intelligent, incredibly self-aware. They were getting frustrated with one of their senior team members. "They just don’t respect me,” they said. “Every time I make a decision, they challenge it. It’s undermining." 

Now, on the surface? It’s a classic leadership tension. Senior leader, strong opinions, a bit of friction. But what I hear isn’t what’s happening. I’m hearing what’s going on underneath, because that’s where it gets interesting. 

As we talked more, something started to resonate for them. They grew up in a family where being respected meant not being questioned. Where adults were right by default. Where disagreement was seen as disrespect, or worse, disloyalty to their parents. 

So now, even though they logically know feedback and challenge are part of building a strong team, their unconscious mind still interprets it as threat. That familiar surge of heat in the chest. Tightness in the jaw. The instant shutdown. It’s not about the situation in front of them. 
It’s about old situations and beliefs being poked. 

This happens constantly in leadership with people who are smart, successful, self-aware. 
Because most of us are walking around with these invisible beliefs that we aren’t even aware of. 

“If I’m helpful, I’ll be safe.” 
“If I’m right, I’ll be valuable.” 
“If I don’t speak up, I won’t get into trouble.” 
“If I carry everything, people won’t leave.” 

They’re not bad. They’re not weaknesses. They were survival strategies. Most of them were formed before we were even conscious of them. They kept us safe in our families, our classrooms, our early workplaces and now they run in the background like faulty coding in our minds, but sadly, shaping how we lead, communicate, and show up without us even realising it. 

That’s what I mean when I talk about childhood beliefs running your company. (They run your relationships and your parenting too). Leadership is stressful and stress pushes us to our worst selves when we are too tired to see what’s happening. These beliefs are alive and kicking in your leadership at these times. 

You know it’s a trigger when your reaction feels bigger than the situation calls for. 
When your body goes into overdrive before your mind has a chance to catch up. 
When you’re not just annoyed — you feel threatened, or hurt or ashamed. I used to notice it when I felt irrationally angry or tearful. 

I find if I can get curious about my reactions – and those of others, that it stops me disappearing into berating myself and helps me see and stop those reactions. 

Instead of thinking: Why is this person trying to undermine me? 
You can pause and ask: What part of me feels threatened here and why? 

Instead of reacting from that old belief — “If I don’t control this, it’ll fall apart” — 
You can respond from your adult self: “Is there actually a risk here, or am I just feeling triggered?” 

That’s where your power is. 

Because let’s be honest — most of what breaks down in teams isn’t actually about the work. It’s about people’s triggers, triggering each other. It’s about misunderstanding each other and acting from fear. The stuff that gets built silently over years of being human, and never gets named because everyone’s trying to look like they’ve got it together. None of this makes you a bad leader. It makes you a human leader. 

A powerful leader isn’t someone who never reacts. It’s someone who notices when they do — and knows how to return to themselves quickly, without shame, without drama, without turning it into someone else’s fault. And it’s someone who sees a professional to get these irrational beliefs and reactions removed permanently. 

So here’s a simple place to start: 

Next time you feel yourself overreacting — to a team member, a client, even an email — ask yourself: 

What does this remind me of? 
What am I making this mean about me? 
What old belief is being activated here? 

If it’s a member of your team that’s being triggered, try asking them how they got to the comment they just made. “Could you walk me through how you’re seeing this?” This may help them understand what’s going on for them without you having to step in. It will also help you realise that nine times out of ten, they’re not trying to frustrate you, they’re acting from their triggers, their beliefs and their childhood experience. 

This is the deeper layer of leadership that no one talks about in the strategy books, but it is where the real change happens. Because when you lead from this place — not from the child who needed to be right, or perfect, or invisible, but from the adult you, who’s clear, compassionate, and grounded — you stop leading from reaction and start leading from a powerful and professional space. 

And that’s the shift that changes everything.