When You’ve Outgrown Being the Fixer — But Don’t Know Who You Are Without It

It took me a few years to realise that I constantly tried to fix everyone, both in and out of my work. There’s a difference between fixing and enabling others to fix. Weirdly it didn’t show up much in my work but it really showed up as a parent and a partner. I had a rubbish childhood so I grew up desperately trying to fix and make happy everyone around me until it became an established pattern.  

Because I wanted everyone to be better, I stayed in relationships I shouldn’t. Tried to fight all my kids’ battles and generally said yes to anyone who asked for help. This can become part of your identity and if you even think about shifting it then you feel terribly guilty as if you’re a mean person. This is a nightmare in leadership where enabling others and setting boundaries are key leadership skills! 

I see a lot of clients who are, the fixer, the solver, the strong one. the one who sees the gaps, steps in, and makes sure everything doesn’t fall apart. I was having a conversation with a client and we were doing a technique on this and she finally realised that if she stopped caring quite so much her stress levels would drop dramatically! It’s not that she would entirely stop but that she would drop it to a normal level.  

It starts early, this pattern. Maybe in childhood like me, maybe later. But at some point, you learned that your value came from being the one who could hold it all — emotions, chaos, people, problems. In fairness, you got really bloody good at it! You became the person everyone relied on, you built a reputation on being solid, dependable, unshakeable. People trust you, they lean on you and they come to you when things are messy because they know you’ll handle it and you do.  

But what happens when the part of you that’s always been the fixer… starts to feel resentful, or tired, or just really wants someone to take care of them? What happens when you realise you’ve spent so long being what everyone else needs… that you don’t even know what you need anymore? 

This is where I meet a lot of the leaders I work with. When that fixer identity that was once so useful, powerful, necessary, feels like a cage they can’t get out of. As we work to let go of the reasons that they need to fix people they develop a whole new energy. 

So if you’re reading this and thinking, “Yep. That’s me. I’m tired of always being the fixer, but I don’t know how else to show up”… good because it means you’re ready to change and let go of that version of you.  

You finally learn that you don’t need to fix anything to feel valuable.