Success Won’t Fix a Fractured Self

You did it. You built the business, closed the deals, earned the achievements. Maybe you found a partner and had some children. Phew, you’re happy! Others look at your properties, your holidays, your kids in private school, and all those fattening business lunches (that you hate but feel you need to attend), and they are envious. From the outside, it looks like success, but I know from my clients, on the inside it never feels enough.

The pressure of keeping up these things is exhausting. You like the idea of scaling back, but you can’t, because nothing ever feels like enough. You don’t really appreciate each accolade or win, you just bounce to the next thing.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients write down that one of their goals is simply to enjoy their achievements.

I work with the elite, and what many have in common is this, their success was fuelled by something fractured in their belief system. A belief that they had to prove themselves worthy, of love, of affection, of attention. A childhood wound (that often they aren’t even aware of, because it doesn’t have to be something that looked hugely traumatic) that said, “You’re not worthy unless you win.”

So what’s the problem with that?
What drives you in the early days of your journey can quietly destroy you later.

I know, because I was so driven to prove I wasn’t stupid that I pushed myself to the limit in the early years of my business. What counterbalanced it for me was that I was also (because of my poor childhood) driven to be a good mum. That probably stopped me becoming a complete workaholic.

Hustle born from pain doesn’t turn into a peaceful life.

It turns into late nights and weekends.
It turns into taking your laptop or phone everywhere.
It turns into missing the events you want to attend, not taking the holidays you need (or working far too much while you’re there).

It turns into missing out on life.
You may well achieve everything you set out to, and still feel hollow.

There’s a therapeutic aspect to leadership that can’t be ignored.
This isn’t about ambition being wrong. It’s about why you’re chasing what you’re chasing.

When you’re still seeking approval from people who once withheld it, you’re not leading yourself, or your business, well. You’re still desperately trying to catch up on the thing you never got, your emotional needs met.

Until you resolve that within yourself, nothing will ever be good enough.
(This is coming from someone whose three long-term partners were all just attempts to replace a mother who couldn’t show me I was worthy of love.)

No amount of money in your bank account can replace the feeling of love and acceptance.

So what can you do?
Stop running.
Ask yourself, Am I still trying to earn love, validation or safety?
If the answer is yes, it’s time to lead differently. And it starts with you.

A lot of men (yes, I did just say that) have the impression that therapy means they’re weak, but it’s the reverse.

It takes guts to say, “I’m struggling. I think sometimes I get it wrong. I think I might be the reason my life and business aren’t growing.”

Healing things isn’t weak.
It’s powerful.

Once these issues are resolved, the growth you achieve is phenomenal, because ultimately, you’ll have a productive, clear, happy mind that makes fast, correct decisions, finds strategy easy, and knows the future it wants.

You won’t need to always win to feel okay.
With internal worth, you choose wisely. You walk away when it’s right. You move forward with clarity.

Success built on self-worth looks different.
It’s calmer, yet more dynamic.
Faster, and yet focused.

The outcomes? Centredness. Clarity.
And happiness, which is really what life is all about.