Emotional intelligence in leadership

If this was ever thrown at you as an insult, you are not alone. What you don’t know is that it’s not an insult, it’s a power. It’s often thrown at you by those who struggle to be in touch with their emotions so they see yours as threatening.  

Why sensitivity is misunderstood in leadership

I was always known in my family as the sensitive one, or more often the over emotional one. This ‘insult’ was never meant to upset me but was a statement of fact for them.  

There goes Mari again getting all upset and over emotional.  

When emotion becomes overwhelming rather than useful

Now some part of that was true. I struggled to regulated my emotions because I had a traumatic background. It wasn’t something I had learned and I was living in a high state of vigilance.  

However, I got emotional when something made me feel my emotions. Things that mattered to me or affected my children. When there’s an injustice in the world.  

A long time ago a wonderful therapist heard me say as a goal (!!) that I wished I wasn’t so emotional. She replied, but then you’d be terrible at your job. I had never put these two things together. Yes I am emotional. I cry at the end of the film, ‘Planes, trains and automobiles’ every single time. I can’t listen to Abba’s ‘Slipping Through My Fingers’ without welling up. I don’t watch films above a 15 without someone else having okayed them. I don’t read books that use the words ‘harrowing’ or ‘traumatic’ on them – unless they are for my work!  

How emotional intelligence improves leadership performance

What can I do with my ‘over emotional’ emotions….?  

Within a couple of minutes of your talking to me I can tell what it is that troubles you. A few more minutes and I have a rough idea of why you got stuck like that. A few more minutes and I can work out how to start helping you let go of it.  

How? Because I can feel your emotions with you. I don’t take them on. I’m not empathetic to the point I get sick if you do. That is being unboundaried. I feel them and I understand what is going on for you. It’s why I’m very good at my job. If I had tried to bottle up my emotions, stop being me, stop being ‘sensitive’ and ‘over emotional’. I couldn’t do the job I do. I also wouldn’t be able to feel my feelings and align my life with them.  

I like me. I like my emotions and yes, before I did my internal work, I could sometimes be the emotional tsunami that I talk about in my book. Now I’m not.  

What changes when you learn to work with emotion

So if you are told you are sensitive and over emotional, please come over here and join my club.  I get you.  

In leadership, this matters more than people realise. Emotional intelligence isn’t about being overwhelmed by feelings, it’s about understanding them and using them well. When you can do that, you communicate more clearly, make better decisions and build stronger relationships without losing yourself in the process.

If you’ve ever been told you’re too sensitive, it’s worth questioning whether that’s actually the very thing that will make you a stronger leader.