Confidence vs arrogance in leadership: understanding self-worth

There comes a time when most clients I work with worry that they are becoming arrogant. Whenever this comes up, it always makes me smile because by purely asking that question of themselves, of me, they answer the question.  

Why confidence can feel like arrogance

Feeling not good enough, feeling that maybe you shouldn’t be in the room, feeling you have nothing of value to say, and so many other depreciating thoughts about ourselves are just our wobbly or low self-worth. When your self-worth starts to rise, suddenly, you stop asking these questions of yourself, and you feel happy; you know you have value to offer, and you know why you are in the room.  

In leadership, this often shows up subtly. You speak more clearly, you question decisions more openly, you stop shrinking yourself in rooms where previously you might have stayed quiet. Internally, that can feel uncomfortable because it’s unfamiliar, not because it’s wrong.

This is exactly the point when the confident or arrogant comments start being asked. So, here’s the measure I use to answer that question.  

The difference between confidence and arrogance

Are you trying to put others down to make yourself feel better?  

If the answer is no – it’s just your self-worth on the rise and you are finally experiencing your true value; this feeling is unfamiliar to you as you’ve never experienced it before. It’s just new, so you question it. You may even have judged others for making comments about themselves that show they know their worth, but because you didn’t know it was possible to feel like that, you judged it as arrogance. Suddenly you now feel the same – does that make you arrogant then? No, you’re just realising it’s truly possible to feel confident. Enjoy it! 

How to build confidence without overcompensating

If your answer is an uncomfortable yes, well, I’ll be honest, you have some work to do around that. It’s not your fault, it’s just that annoying emotional baggage, but as I say in my book, it is your responsibility to do that work if you want it to chane.  

I’ll leave you with this, a saying one of my clients told me from her country.  

‘You don’t have to cut off other people’s heads to stand tall’.