There’s a loneliness in leadership that creeps in quietly. It shows up even when you’re surrounded by people, leading meetings, signing deals, or being praised in the press. It has nothing to do with being alone physically. It’s about not feeling seen for who you are beneath the role, the title, the influence. It’s a lack of connection and we need to connect as humans. We are literally wired for it.  

A client said to me recently how she’d heard the quote, ‘you write the book you need’ and how she had turned to her friend and said, ‘that’s Mari.’ In some respects she was right, and wrong about the book I’ve written – ‘It begins with you.’ I wrote the book I had needed way back when I began my journey. However, the new book I’m writing is a book I needed decades ago and yet, like the quote, it is the book I still need in some contexts and, as I’m now hearing, the one you may need.

One of the biggest things that leaders tell me is how isolated they feel in their role. They don’t feel they can be vulnerable to their team and they don’t want to share with their peers. This is a nuanced situation. In some situations it’s absolutely right to share with both team and peers – in fact I’d say more often than not sharing some information is exactly the right thing to do, but there are times when it’s not appropriate to share. It’s a challenge to get it right, especially when you are stressed. 

A week ago I took my last of five children to university. Such a huge transition for me. I got pregnant at 16 and had my first child at just 17, so at 51 I haven’t spent any of my life alone without a child at home. Partners may have come and gone but my children and my role of being a mother, have not. For the first time in my adult life, I will live alone. I’m lucky that one of my older sons is with me for just a couple of months to ease that transition, I’m not sure how well I would have fared coming home to a completely empty house. 

Discussing loneliness despite constant companionship and how this parallels this with leadership, where isolation is common due to the inability to confide in others.

Leaders need to proactively seek connections with friends, peers, therapists, or advisors. Building a diverse support network is essential for personal and professional well-being.

I’m off on holiday soon, but before I go I’m spending this weekend, completely alone. Something I would have avoided a few years ago. So how did I move from hating being alone, to loving it?

I learnt to like myself.

Being alone is a big problem for a lot of people. They feel lost. Many create a world where noise is constant and use music or TV to get to sleep. Why? So they don’t have to listen to that voice in their heads filled with self-doubt.