Here’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough in leadership: You might be running your entire company, your team, your strategy, even your calendar, based on something you unconsciously learned as a kid. I know that might sound dramatic. But stay with me. 

Many years ago, I read that once a company gets to £100k, that the strategies you used to get there aren’t suitable to push you up further. There’s a ceiling of skills. It’s a tough pill to swallow. All the great stuff I did, won’t work anymore!  So, you know that part of you that got sh*t done? The version of you that could take anything life threw at them, the pressure, the deadlines, the chaos, and just get on with it? Well, it does have a ceiling, unfortunately

We grew up with the idea that legacy is something you build by creating a ‘thing’. Work hard, create a unique product that goes viral. All the sacrifices are worth it if you just make a name for yourself. I’ve been reflecting on this recently as I’ve been rewriting my will and with that, having to think about what happens to my business when I die. A sobering thought.

Do you know why companies put people on gardening leave when they resign or are let go? Yes, partly because they may take or reveal sensitive information (but let’s be real, if they were going to do that likely they have already done it). Really it’s because these companies are aware of contagious emotion. One person who feels very negative about a workplace can very quickly become the source of a lot of discontent, so companies get them out quickly.  

Leadership comes from within, for anyone, whether you are a junior right at the bottom or the leader at the top, you need to understand where you fit so that you can thrive. While I understand the theory behind non-hierarchical structures, they don’t work – certainly I haven’t seen one that did (do let me know if you have one!) As one client said to me, we now have executives spending an hour photocopying when they are paid $300 an hour. 

Fear and anxiety are not flaws, they are built into how the brain protects you. The problem is that the same response designed to deal with real danger is now triggered by presentations, decisions and pressure at work, creating a reaction that feels far bigger than the situation itself.

You’re already skim-reading this article, aren’t you?

Today I pulled someone up on their behaviour in a public post, gently but firmly. In response to a light comment I made on a topic they were discussing, they replied making huge assumptions about my knowledge and with a very aggressive tone. I simply asked them not to speak to me in such a condescending way. I didn’t get aggressive or retaliate, but just calmly placed a boundary around how I wish to be spoken to. This is still something new for me and something I’m getting used to being able to do, but so important if we want to avoid surrounding ourselves with the wrong people.  

I’ve been thinking a lot about leadership this week and what an intricate balance it is. Leadership is really not a real ‘thing’ and yet it’s a ‘thing’ that has always been around. Right back to our hunter gatherer days someone would have made the decision where we went and what we did. It’s strange that something untouchable and almost unquantifiable, is also something that changes with each person is so incredibly important to the functioning of human beings and our planet.

A client said to me recently how she’d heard the quote, ‘you write the book you need’ and how she had turned to her friend and said, ‘that’s Mari.’ In some respects she was right, and wrong about the book I’ve written – ‘It begins with you.’ I wrote the book I had needed way back when I began my journey. However, the new book I’m writing is a book I needed decades ago and yet, like the quote, it is the book I still need in some contexts and, as I’m now hearing, the one you may need.

I’ve been surprised recently by the number of leaders, both in the news and outside of it, who think that leadership is about control. I’m not going to get into politics here, but controlling isn’t leading—it’s dictating. The problem is that most people hate conflict and lack the skill set to manage it, so instead of dealing with the actual issue (or person), they jump to impose a rule or boundary that is unnecessary. This is reactive and is often based on an old childhood fear of conflict too.

Some days feel harder than they should, even when everything is going well. For leaders, this can feel like a setback, but often it’s a sign that your baseline has shifted and you’re no longer used to operating at higher levels of stress.

Last week I took a week off and ran away to a beautiful cottage with a friend who was also writing her book. Lost in woods and nature and listening to the change in birdsong as it got dark, we both realised how lovely it was to just be able to focus on one thing for a whole week…. So calm and relaxing