I was having a conversation with one of my clients this week. He was telling me that he had let someone go and that they were now working out their notice. This person had been the topic of a few of our sessions, as he was heavily woven into the company and a friend.

Here’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough in leadership: You might be running your entire company, your team, your strategy, even your calendar, based on something you unconsciously learned as a kid. I know that might sound dramatic. But stay with me. 

Do you know why companies put people on gardening leave when they resign or are let go? Yes, partly because they may take or reveal sensitive information. Really it's because companies understand contagious emotion. One person who feels very negative about a workplace can very quickly become the source of a lot of discontent.

I've been having a lot of conversations with my clients recently about hierarchy. Whether it exists in the company, whether it should exist. Does it exist in name only, or not exist in name only? There seems to have been a move towards less hierarchical structures in companies and personally I don't think it works.

Today I pulled someone up on their behaviour in a public post, gently but firmly. In response to a light comment I made on a topic they were discussing, they replied making huge assumptions about my knowledge and with a very aggressive tone. I simply asked them not to speak to me in such a condescending way. I didn't get aggressive or retaliate, but just calmly placed a boundary around how I wish to be spoken to.

I’ve been surprised recently by the number of leaders, both in the news and outside of it, who think that leadership is about control. I’m not going to get into politics here, but controlling isn’t leading—it’s dictating. The problem is that most people hate conflict and lack the skill set to manage it, so instead of dealing with the actual issue (or person), they jump to impose a rule or boundary that is unnecessary. This is reactive and is often based on an old childhood fear of conflict too.

This week I had the same conversation with two of my clients. They are both struggling with a team member who they feel is deliberately being awkward. Here's the reality: most people are tired, stressed and have a lot of emotional baggage knocking around. Most people are stuck in their own heads trying to make their way through the maze of their own life. They aren't often thinking about you.

When I was in the Maldives 20 years ago, I haggled so hard over the wooden Buddha you see in the picture that the shop owner told my husband he wished I was his wife and took us for ice cream. Twenty years later, my two-year-old grandson sees the Buddha sitting with his head in his hands, crouches down to look at his face and gently asks, "Are you okay?" What makes a child so concerned for a block of wood?

Trust breakdown in teams affects communication, performance and relationships. Understanding what drives trust is key to resolving conflict and leading effectively.

Many leadership conflicts aren’t about facts, they’re about perception. Understanding how memory works can help you resolve conflict and communicate more effectively.