You’d think that by the time you’re running a business, sitting on a board, or speaking on global stages, you’d feel successful. However, so many of my clients feel just the opposite! When you aren’t happy with yourself, then success is impossible. Success can only truly be measured by you, your values, and your sense of worth.

We hear it all the time ‘It’s lonely at the top.’ In fact it’s a topic in my new book about being happy alone, but what if it’s not actually about your leadership status, or the fact no one gets you, what if it’s about something within you that’s missing? A disconnection from yourself that followed you all the way to the top? 

Happiness is the only human feeling that we don’t want to move on from. I remember reading that and thinking, absolute right, who thinks, well I’ve had enough happiness for today. Happiness and self-worth are the ultimate keys to a good life. Leadership follows so beautiful from them both. You don’t have to push, or over perform or pretend to be someone you aren’t.

We’ve all been watching the news headlines and we all have our own version of what is correct leadership behaviour. Powerful people are imploding all over the world. We jump from scandals to abuse of power, meltdowns, bullying, etc. It feels more like watching a school playground sometimes. 

I’ve noticed a really interesting trait in some of my clients. They talk to me about how they are empowering their teams, when what they’re really doing is controlling them.

We hear this term bandied around all the time.
“So and so is a great leader because they are so high functioning,”
“They get the job done because they are high functioning.”

So let’s get something straight, just because someone is high functioning doesn’t mean they’re emotionally healthy, in fact, it can be exactly the opposite.

You did it. You built the business, closed the deals, earned the achievements, maybe you found a partner and had some children. Phew, you’re happy! Others look at your properties, your holidays, your kids in private school and all those fattening business lunches (that you hate but feel you need to do), and they are envious.

One of the biggest concerns that I hear from my clients is that their own mind chatter is exhausting. You know that voice that never leaves the room, not when you walk into a meeting, not when you land a seven-figure deal, not even when you walk away from the business for a so-called break.

I was at an event recently when someone told me I was projecting my values onto others, that they probably didn’t want them. The value in question? That all humans should have choice in their lives. Especially those who’ve never been told they have one.

I was having a conversation with one of my clients this week. He was telling me that he had let someone go and that they were now working out their notice. This person had been the topic of a few of our sessions, as he was heavily woven into the company and a friend. (We will look at friend and family businesses in another blog!) Sadly, his behaviour had become quite extreme and my client had no other option but to let him go.

It took me a few years to realise that I constantly tried to fix everyone, both in and out of my work. There’s a difference between fixing and enabling others to fix. Weirdly it didn’t show up much in my work but it really showed up as a parent and a partner. I had a rubbish childhood so I grew up desperately trying to fix and make happy everyone around me until it became an established pattern.

Here’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough in leadership: You might be running your entire company, your team, your strategy, even your calendar, based on something you unconsciously learned as a kid. I know that might sound dramatic. But stay with me.